Vulnerability is not weakness

I think we can all imagine a time when we felt vulnerable. Some serious, some more lighthearted, but all give us that feeling of nervousness in the pit of our stomach.

For me, one memory that immediately comes to mind is from college.

I sent my husband (Alex) who was not yet my husband a Facebook message (this was back when Facebook was just for colleges!) asking if he had recommendations for breakup songs + if he would like to go to this play I was attending as part of a class. I was trying oh-so-subtly to tell him I was single. I asked him about music because I knew he was a huge audiophile. But what if he rejected me?

Spoiler alert (or maybe not, haha): it ended up just fine (even though the play was super boring…he somehow ended up falling in love with me anyway!). But maybe we fear vulnerability because taking a chance and being open isn’t always guaranteed to have a happy ending.

There is so much power (whether the perception that we lose power in being vulnerable, or gain it) in vulnerability, that we often shy away from it.

To be fair, vulnerability from others is great. The lens of vulnerability often brings out some of the most interesting stories. But when it comes to ourselves being open to sharing emotion? We stop, and we tell ourselves we’ll be perceived as weak. Or silly, dumb, ignorant, or any other negative state of being you can think of.

Well, I’m here to tell you it’s a lie to believe that vulnerability results in weakness and, worse than that, it’s an experience you’re robbing yourself of if you close off your emotions from others.

Vulnerability is a strength, and there is power in that strength.

Brené Brown can say it better than I can though (and a lot more succinctly):

Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences. – Brené Brown, from her book, Daring Greatly

If vulnerability is so great, though, how do we shift our mindset to using it instead of running from it? How do we change our perception of vulnerability?

We change it like you change anything – recognizing it for what it is, embracing it, and then making it a part of day-to-day life.

Recognize that vulnerability is your gift to give

When you make the choice to be vulnerable, save it for someone who deserves it.

Your vulnerability belongs with those who you choose to share it with. Let me repeat: vulnerability is not something to be pried from you. It’s your choice to gift it to someone you trust. 

This means that vulnerability operates within boundaries. It means that it’s not about oversharing on social media, or making others uncomfortable on purpose by playing the “who has it worse” game.

The gift of vulnerability should be given with care.

Embrace that vulnerability is going to be uncomfortable

We build walls to protect ourselves from being vulnerable.

These walls can take on many forms – perfectionism, fear of failure, control, and so on. Identifying what the elements are that make up your wall then, one by one, pulling down the pieces of that wall is what brings you to a place of true vulnerability. But getting to that place? It’s uncomfortable. It’s hard work.

This is where the rubber meets the road with vulnerability. You’ll either turn back, or you’ll press on. But I want to encourage you: this is not an all or nothing exercise. You may find yourself working through a particular piece of your wall for a longer period of time than you’d like, but each little piece that you chip away at adds up to huge progress.

• Start by identifying your wall (or walls) – What’s holding you back from being brave, or taking action? Identify it, at its most basic level.
• How did the wall come to be in the first place? – If fear of failure is a large piece of your wall, what has happened that’s made you fear failure? Whatever it may be, dig deep and uncover the why.
• Get ready to listen to your inner critic – At this point, your inner critic is going to get super vocal. This is such a huge topic that it deserves its own post, but for now I’m dropping it down to its own point below.

Realize that vulnerability is about being seen for who you are

The hardest work with vulnerability is, as I mentioned above, the part where you actually are vulnerable about the parts of yourself you’ve done your best to hide or cover up. We can name many reasons why we choose to hide these parts of ourselves but ultimately it comes down to one thing – shame.

Why? Because vulnerability doesn’t act out on its own. Vulnerability needs someone else in order for it to work – you have to share a part of yourself with someone (or many someones) in order to truly be vulnerable.

This is the tricky part. Sharing something about yourself can open you up to shame. Shame can take on many forms: being perceived as a failure, worthless, strange, a fraud… the list goes on.

When we’re fueled by the fear of what other people think or that gremlin that’s constantly whispering ‘You’re not good enough’ in our ear, it’s tough to show up. We end up hustling for our worthiness rather than standing in it. – Brené Brown

Can we repeat that again? We end up hustling for our worthiness rather than standing in it.I hope you feel the power in that phrase.

Focus on this truth – when you are vulnerable with someone you trust, you can’t lose. In fact, you take the power away from that inner critic. You take power away from the negative experience that made you be silent in the first place.

You shift the dynamic on an event that wanted to hold you back, to one that can propel you to something greater.

Vulnerability is not a weakness

I’ll leave you with this – when you are vulnerable, you are strong. When you choose to share your struggles, you takes steps toward healing. And when you let someone know what you’ve been dealing with, you may even encourage them to be vulnerable too. 

I hope you’ll embrace vulnerability and challenge yourself to no longer see it as a form of weakness. I believe in you. <3